FRIENDS

Top Ten Social Do's and Don'ts. 

1.  Be dependable.  Arrive on time and call if you are running late or have to cancel.

2.  Don't be a mooch.  If you are meeting out, bring money.  If you are meeting at their house, ALWAYS bring something.  Beer, wine, soda, snacks.  Never arrive empty-handed, and always leave them the leftovers.  Nothing is more rude than bringing home the rest of the beer or the rest of the chips & dip.

3.  Pick up after yourself.  Put dirty dishes & glasses in the dishwasher, bottles & cans in the recycle bin, hang up wet towels, have your kids pick up their toys.

4.  Don't be "the thing that wouldn't leave".  Pay attention to the time.  If you haven't been invited for a meal ahead of time, don't hang out and hope to be asked.  If they start mentioning dinner, or start fixing dinner, or start talking about how early they have to get up the next morning, THIS IS YOUR CUE TO LEAVE. 

5.  Keep the conversation fairly neutral at first.  It’s a mistake to tell too much too soon. If you embark on an immediate outpouring of all the intimate details of your personal life, you’ll frighten off the other person with your intensity.

6.  Do not brag about yourself, don't talk about the price of everything you own. Don't spend all your time complaining and criticizing others.  Don't ask for pity.  Don't complain that you have no friends, don't talk in great detail about your marital problems, custody case or your medical problems.  It’s normal to try to present yourself in a flattering light.

7.  Don’t wander off the point of conversation, talk too much about yourself, or interrupt continually when someone else is talking.  Listen Actively.  Every now and then make some encouraging response to show you’re been listening. When it’s your turn to speak, take the opportunity of confirming first of all that you’ve understood and enjoyed what the other person has just said.

8.  At the end of a conversation, ask yourself how balanced it’s been. Have you done all the talking? (Bad.) Or practically none of it? (Also bad.) Do you feel you know more about the other person than he or she knows about you, or vice versa? Ideally, you should balance your disclosures so that neither feels the other is holding back. Nor should you feel the other person is disclosing more personal information than you’re prepared to give about yourself.

9.  When you first meet someone, it’s not a good idea to prolong the conversation longer than feels comfortable, or, if you’re at a party or other social gathering, to cling to the person you’ve just met like a limpet. It’s better to move on when things are going well, leaving your new acquaintance free to meet other people. If you like him or her enough, say something that will make it obvious you’ve enjoyed the conversation and would like to follow up. (Try: ‘It’s been nice talking to you. Perhaps we’ll catch each other again in a bit.’)

10.  Stay alert to body language – your eye contact, facial expression, gestures, posture, and any touch you use – and to the tone and volume of your voice.  Don't stand too close or demand a hug right away.  Make sure you’re being open, relaxed and friendly – and not holding back defensively or being too intrusive.

The best thing you can do is, well, practice. Print this page out and carry it with you - and after each social meeting, check the dos and the don’ts and see how you scored.

 Add Advice

-- Keep the friendship even.  If you ask for a favor, make sure you reciprocate.  Offer gas money for a ride, take turns babysitting.

My girlfriend's family visited and may have taken something VERY valuable to her.  She was showing her collection to them. He asked to use my computer and I said, "Sure!"  He went upstairs for a few minutes, where my office is, and returned.  He said we have to get ready, the kids have school tomorrow.  Before we left for work, she checked her collection and her prize piece was gone.  My girlfriend called on the phone asking their mother if one of the kids may have taken it and one child said that her father wanted to see it.  Her father, my girlfriend's nephew, sells and buys allot from EBAY.  My girlfriend admitted to me that she had a "bad feeling" yesterday.  I told her that if he searched the item on EBAY, on my computer, and we never recover the item they will not be invited over again and I will not visit their house.  What would you do?

If he stole something, she should give him the opportunity to return it because he is family.  If he refuses, she should call the police and not feel guilty about it.

-- We received a phone call last night, Thursday, 11/2/06.  Her nephew said they found the item in one of their kids clothing.  I am relieved.  I told her that if it is returned a second chance is the reward!  Thank you for your wonderful advice.

I have a best friend that I would do anything for.  We have known each over for over 15 years.  I was his best man, and he was mine.  Since he started dating his wife, I see less and less of him.  It really hurts that I will go out of my way to make time for him, but he won't do the same. And by the way, it isn't just me.  Other friends of his have complained that he doesn't socialize with anyone any more.   Is there anything I can do?

Unfortunately, some marriages are ruled by one spouse, in this case it seems to be his wife.  Have you tried double dating?  How about meeting him for lunch?  Make sure you keep the lines of communication open, and make sure you never treat your friends this way.

I made a new friend, who I even asked to be one of my bridesmaids.  Now I feel like the only thing we had in common, was planning our weddings.  A year later I'm married and redecorating my house, her husband left her and she is in an apartment.  I enjoy my children, she hates kids and doesn't want any, ever.  We can't double date because she is single, and I don't want to go to singles bars with her.

I used to have a hard time understanding that some friendships don't last a lifetime.  But some friends come and go. I wouldn't stop taking her calls, but you could stop calling her.  Make sure she has some single friends to support her and be friendly when you do see her.

This new couple invited my husband and I over for dinner.  They have a beautiful apartment, very expensively furnished.  I went to use the bathroom, and there was no trash can!  I had to put something disgusting in my purse and take it home, because there was no place to put it.  And it wasn't like it was the guest bathroom, it was the ONLY bathroom.

I had this happen once, and I wrapped it in tissue and put it under the bathroom sink.  When they found it some day, I hope they got the hint to put a trash can in there.

A new acquaintance came over to visit the other day and she told me way too much information about herself.  She talked too much, I could hardly get a word in edgewise, then she complained that she has trouble keeping friends, and then she turned into "the thing that wouldn't leave".  Today she called and tried to keep me on the phone, even though I was on my way out the door.  What do I do?

Tell her firmly that she needs to leave now, because you have other plans.  Get her a book on how to make friends.  She needs help.  Marla Paul The Friendship Crisis, The Art of Making and Keeping Friends,  

I have a friend who is a compulsive liar.  I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I am tired of hearing about her pretend boyfriend, pretend education and pretend life.  What do I do?

--Gently tell her that you are concerned about her, and maybe she should consider counseling.

A college friend of mine told me she missed her period, even though she was on the pill.  Then when she got her period, she was in so much pain that she passed out on the sidewalk and an ambulance had to take her to the hospital.  I was standing right there when the hospital bill came and her father said he shouldn't have to pay for it, her boyfriend should.  Weeks later I mentioned to her that I am surprised she is not more upset about her miscarriage and she FLIPPED OUT!  She almost hit me.  She said she DID NOT miscarry and I better not repeat that to anyone.  I thought she was mad for a while, but weeks and then months have gone by, and she still won't talk to me.  I don't understand what I did wrong.  We were friends for years.

You didn't do anything wrong.  She is in denial that she miscarried, and you are her association with it.  It's too bad, but you will have to find a new friend.

A friend of mine told me some gossip about work, about "Anne", whom I don't know, and have never met.  I repeated this gossip to someone who did know  Anne, and now my friend is furious and won't talk to me.  I have apologized all over the place, but she still won't talk to me.  I wish I could get her to put this in perspective.  Anne doesn't work in her department, and neither of them has lost their job over it.  And isn't this partially her fault for having told me the gossip to begin with?  What do I do?

Aah, the perils of gossip.  I guess this one got you both in trouble.  You are both at fault, but she is being immature to stop talking to you over it.

I feel like I am being taken advantage of by one of my friends.  She is always asking me to help with her business, but she doesn't help with mine.  She invites me to all her hostess parties (and I buy a lot), but she doesn't come to mine.  She calls me a lot on the phone, and we chat on I.M., but if I have a party, she can't make it.  If I set up a double date, she backs out.  I know she is busy, but I can't help feeling that this friendship is one-sided.

Does she have other friends?  Do you?  Can you take a break from this friendship for a couple weeks?  Maybe you just need a breather, and then you can re-evaluate things.

I have a friend who tells everyone way too much about her personal life.  She talks about her money problems and bad credit, and that her parents routinely give her thousands of dollars to bail her out.  At age 32, I think she should have her life together more than this, and I am tired of her talking about it like nothing is ever her fault.

It's too bad her parents are enabling her, because she will never learn to be self-sufficient.  You could try giving her the books "Personal Finance for Dummies", and All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulgham.

I have an angry friend who constantly complains about everything, all of the time.  Anything that anyone says to her, she takes the wrong way.  She can't get along with anyone, her co-workers, her husband's friends, her in-laws.  She doesn't drive, and she expects people to take her everywhere.  She is always broke, and expects people to give her money.  I feel sorry for her, because she is so unhappy, but she won't listen to any advice.

It sounds like your friend is suffering from depression or borderline personality disorder.  With the proper medication and counseling, the rest of her life will fall into place.  I realize the hard part is getting her to get some help. Try printing out the symptoms.   http://www.bpdcentral.com/  Then sit down with her along with her husband, and parents.  Emphasize your concern for her well being, and that her happiness could be a simple doctor's appointment away.  You might also get her the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson.

I have a friend who wants to spend time with me, but if I try to ask her advice she closes up, and if I confide in her she says that would never happen to her.  Sometimes in the middle of a conversation she will say New Topic!  What is up with her?

She is not a friend, she is an acquaintance.  You can get together with her socially, but don't count on her in times of need, and don't talk about your real feelings.

My friends keep having these hostess parties for Pampered Chef, Tupperware, candles, jewelry parties, Mary Kay.  I love their company, but I just can't afford these products!

Don't worry about it.  Many people come to these parties, she won't even notice if you don't order.  Just enjoy yourself, and when it comes time to order, say you can't make up your mind.  If you really want to buy these products, look for them on E-bay later, it is MUCH cheaper!!

One of my best friends keeps confiding all her problems. BIG problems. Late with the mortgage, possible bankruptcy.  She cries and sounds so hopeless, but she never takes any of my advice. 

That's okay.  You are being a good friend by keeping her problems in confidence, and giving her a shoulder to cry on.

I Was Told copyright 2006