Marriage

The very first day I met my husband, we had a connection. We both felt very comfortable and it was so easy to be together. Things progressed quickly. We moved in together after 4 months. Never talked about marriage, but he shocked me with a proposal after a year.

We waited one year to get married, and have now been together for 5 years. I love him dearly- he is a GREAT guy. Always polite, always considerate. But, there is no spark. There never really has been. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. I fear that we got married because it was comfortable. He swears that he loves me more than anything, but I am the only girl he's really been with. I had been with one person before him.

We're totally co-dependant. He is my comfort zone and I make ALL of the decisions. I've told him SO many times how much it bothers me that I have to "wear the pants". He even jokes to his friends that I have such a tight lease on him. I don't want it! We talk and talk and nothing happens. I've offered suggestions. I've tried to be even more passive than he is. It didn't work.

I've been trying to leave for a year. I love him like my best friend. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I don't like who I am with him! I get so irritable with him. I resent him for "making me" handle everything. And of course, there is nothing happening in the bedroom- see lack of spark comment above. I feel like his mother.

You would think that's enough drama, but there's more. The same day I told him it was over, I met someone. Maybe I was vulnerable, I don't know, but I've got all of these very intense feelings that I've never had before, and I'm trying not to let it go anywhere. I cut off contact, but I still have the feelings.

I told my husband all of this. He thinks it's a phase and desperately wants to work things out. I don't want to lose my life with him. Is being comfortable and kind to each other enough? We're separated right now and I hurt him more every day. If I want to salvage this, I have to do it soon. What should I do?

-- Have you tried marriage counseling? Has he seen a doctor to find out why he has a low sex drive? The bottom line is, are you happy? Because if you aren't, it is best to end the marriage before you start having children.

I have an issue that I need to address but I don't know how to go about it.

A few weeks ago, I went to a friends wedding without my husband, he had to go to our son's football game. One of my coworkers was also at the wedding, she's divorced.

After a few drinks, we got silly however, neither of us were drunk. A slow song came on and I wanted to dance but didn't know too many people at the wedding. My coworker "Amy" said "C'mon, I'll dance with you." So, we dance the slow dance and after it was over, we kissed each other & I started to leave the dance floor. Another slow song "Let's Get It On" came on and she said, "Hey, where are you going?"
So I went back and we danced to the next song but our hands were all over each other and "other" body parts were touching, it looked like we getting it on, we kissed again.

The problem, I really enjoyed the dancing with her and I think she did too. I would like to ask her to go out dancing and possibly making out but I am worried about how to go about bringing up the subject just in case she isn't feeling as I do. I think she is interested as we have been flirting with each other but neither of us wants to be the first to say something about that night because we don't know how the other will react.

I am definitely straight as is she but I found this encounter interesting, enjoyable.

How do I bring up the subject of what we did at the wedding? Should I forget about it? I really don't want to forget about it.
Help!

-- You really don't want to risk your marriage and your family life on this one. Avoid her, she isn't worth the problems you could cause.

Here is my situation. I have been married for only 4 years but have known my husband for 9. He is 28 and I am 26 and we have been together since we were young. He supported me while I went to school and after I got my degree and a job we got married. My husband lost his primary job about three years ago and I am now paying all the bills. He makes some money repairing small gas engines and lawn mowers and some odd car repairs but I never see it. He doesn't clean up after himself sleeps whenever he wants. Whenever I try to talk to him about his contribution and to get him to get a steady job, he tells me everything is okay and if I push him on it he gets angry and won't talk at all. He and I enjoy our sex life, but I from time to time cant stand to be with him (even though he is great in bed) and I have not had sex with him for some times over two months. He thinks I have sex issues and often accuses me of being with someone else or calls me a cold bitch but I have never cheated on him. He wont see a counselor with me and wont do anything to change things. Should I divorce him or keep pushing for counseling. I really love him so divorce would be hard and I so want to have kids someday. Please help!

-- Why would you want to have children with someone who has been out of work for 3 years? There is a difference between being in school, and being unemployed. He sounds depressed, which is putting a strain on your marriage. Give him a deadline for counseling, then move on. You are young, you don't need to be desperate. You WILL have kids some day, but you don't want to have them with someone who can't hold down a job. Take a break from this guy.

I am a Christian man that is married to a Muslim woman. of course I had to become Muslim on paper to be married to her because we were married in an Islamic country. but in my heart I remain Christian. She knows this now and is leaving me. we love each other but she feels she is doing wrong in gods eyes by staying with me and my heart believes in Jesus. in my heart I love her and I accept that she is a Muslim. I would never change that about her. she tells me know after we are married that she believed in her heart that I would see that Islam is the right way and become a Muslim, that is why she married me. but obviously this did not happen. I have read the Koran and many other books, articles, and literature about Islam. I tried but I can never be a Muslim, I do not believe it is the right way. anyway this does not change my love for my wife. I love her and she is leaving me and I have no idea what to do. does anyone have any advice for me. I know what Muslim men will say believe me I know all about it. I am looking for constructive thoughts or real advice.

-- I'm so sorry. It's too bad that religion tears apart people and nations, when God should be bringing us together. Many people stay in a loving marriage even though they are different religions. Keep praying for her and let her know that you love her no matter what. Here is a web site with support and advice on many religions.
http://www.factnet.org/discus/messages/3/3.html?1160254611

My husband does not like to hear of problems or negative things I think about him. For instance, when we disagree he will go on and on to convince me he's right and if I don't conform to his thought he'll ask why. When I explain, he'll knock all I say. If we end up in a argument, he'll start yelling. I tell him he's being disrespectful of me and he says I pushed him there. If his day starts wrong, so will everyone else's. Once my sister was over, we were talking and he couldn't hear the TV. He got really rude and later said the argument was over her. I was the one doing most of the talking. He filed bankruptcy, during his drinking days (he was a mean drunk). He filed because I left him and he couldn't pay the bills alone, but I couldn't help to pay our bills and my bills. I left because he was a mean drunk and he wouldn't quit. Now he says we lost our house because of me leaving him and acting like a child instead of a responsible adult. Now I've gotten where I just agree so we don't argue. I really getting tired of this type of thinking, but 90% of the time we're great. That 10% that resembles what I described is really trying. How do I keep my marriage and family together without loosing who I am? How can I be my own person without his bull? I really hate his line of thinking, but sometimes I think maybe it's just me. Maybe I make more out of things than I should. How much does a person take before it's too far?

The rule of thumb is, are you happy? If you are not happy, you need to leave. You have already told me he is mean, rude, argumentative, drunk, and filed for bankruptcy. Why would you want to stay with him?

I was married at the young age of 20 to my high school sweet heart "Matt". He has always been a wonderful husband and is now an amazing dad to our 2 yr old daughter. Four months prior to getting married I was in a relationship with "Joe". I have always said that had I not married my husband, I would have married Joe. Matt found out about this relationship, and I think that he thought that it was either time to play or get out of the game, so he proposed marriage earlier than he was expecting to. There was an intense connection between Joe and I, different from the comfortable and familiar love I felt for Matt. Joe is the exact opposite of Matt, actually. Joe and I never consummated our relationship, as it was only 3 months old when I called it off. My husband, Matt, has been gone a considerable amount of time over our 4 yr. year marriage due to work. In that time, I became great friends with Joe ( however, I live 3,000 miles away from him) , and we have grown very close. I feel that a part of me has been having an emotional affair with Joe for the past four years via phone, email, etc., almost as if he is a long lost love from another lifetime. I am so tore by these feelings. I have a deep faith in God and feel such conviction. I am afraid that at some point, Joe and I will meet up and the inevitable will happen. I do love Matt...but I love Joe too. Is that even possible or am I just incredibly selfish? If I could undo ever meeting Joe, I would. I feel such guilt and I absolutely do not want to hurt my husband. He has no idea that this has been going on. Although I do love my husband, I feel that I shouldn't have been so impatient about getting married at such a young age. I wish that I would have given Joe a fair shot all those years ago. I would have saved myself a lot of confusion, guilt, and heartache by doing so. But I am here now and I need some good advice, from a Christian, if possible, but at this point I'll take what I can get. What do I do?? Thank you in advance.

-- As a fellow Christian I am telling you STOP ALL CONTACT WITH JOE!!! Block his e-mails and block his phone number. You are having a fantasy relationship with someone you have put on a pedestal. Joe is NOT worth risking your marriage over. You have no idea what he is like on a day-to-day basis as a husband and father. He could be moody, disinterested in sex, selfish in bed, impatient as a father, self-centered, bad with money, the list goes on and on.

You need to re-connect with your wonderful husband. Have a weekend get-away, just the two of you. Make a list of 10 things that you love about him. Ask if he can make some job changes so he is home more. Make some plans with your friends when he is gone. Many restaurants have "family night" with face painting and balloons. Join MOPS (www.mops.org) and make friends with other moms whose husbands travel.

My wife keeps complaining about my appearance. She is unbelievable. I am tired of her nagging me to get a haircut, shave, trim my eyebrows, trim my ear hair, wear different clothes. I think she should learn to love me the way I am.

She doesn't sound unreasonable and she isn't asking for the impossible. Years from now when she has left you for someone clean-cut, you will wish you cared enough about her to try harder with your appearance.

My husband and I have not gotten along well since we got married. We have been to several marriage counselors. I have decided that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is always moody, and never wants to have sex. I want to separate and start dating new people. I have asked him to move out, but he won't leave. Last year I was dating someone, but my husband turned into a stalker and tried to turn the kids against me. I just want him out of the house, so I can start over. What do I do?

Why would he want to stay married to someone who doesn't want him there? It sounds like he doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. You will have to check with the separation and divorce laws in your state to see who gets to stay in the house. It's too bad you can't afford to get your own place, it would be easier.

When my wife comes to me with a problem, she never likes the answers I give her. Then she says I'm not a good listener.

Maybe she doesn't want an answer, but just support. Next time just let her unload, give her a hug and tell her you love her.

My husband is gorgeous, he looks like Mel Gibson. But his teeth look terrible, he has the worst bridge work I have ever seen. I don't want to point out that my capped teeth look better, but he needs better dental work. He is a professional with insurance, so money isn't an issue. What do I do?

Sit him down, look him in the eye and say "Honey, you are so gorgeous. And you deserve a beautiful smile. Let's make a dental appointment with my dentist. I don't care what it costs, you are worth it!"

I am very thankful that my husband takes me out on a date every week. We usually double date with friends. It seems that when we go out, just the two of us, he is clueless about normal conversation. He will go on and on about playing with G.I. Joes with his neighbor when he was little, or creating things with his science kit. What is wrong with him?

I don't know. Has he had a head injury recently? Ask him to read the news and current events every day, both national and local. Ask him to keep the conversation topic to anything that has happened in the last 2 years. And yes, you are lucky he takes you out every week!

I just moved in with my boyfriend and I am shocked at his lack of hygiene. He forgets to wear deodorant half of the time, he doesn't shower or shave on weekends, he only washes his hair a couple times a week. Is this common for new couples? How did I not notice this while we were dating?

Yes it is common, but many people are too embarrassed to talk about it. People shower and get dressed up for a date. Not all of them realize this is required every day. Calmly explain to him that in the U.S., it is proper hygiene to shower and wash your hair every morning, within an hour of waking up. Tell him it is not just you, but any woman would expect this of him. You can also try enticing him into showering together on the weekends. That should make him want to be clean!

I had boyfriends, and now my husband, who seem to be severely lacking in bathroom etiquette. How do I get this across? He leaves the door open when he is in there. If I am fixing my hair or makeup with the door open, he thinks he can just walk in and go! I do not want to see him go to the bathroom, ever!

Sounds like he has been single too long, or living with guys and forgot his manners. Explain that you do not want to be in the bathroom together, ever! (Unless it is sex in the shower). If he needs to use the facilities, he needs to shut the door. If you are in there putting on makeup, do not come in. If he needs to use the bathroom and you are in there, whether the door is open or closed, he needs to ask first, and wait until you leave the bathroom. Every relationship needs its boundaries!

I am very unhappy in my marriage, but we are staying together for the children's sake. I don't want to tear their world apart. My friend says I am wrong, and I should leave now.

You are setting the example for your children to stay in a bad marriage, and that your happiness doesn't count. Do you want your children to stay in a bad marriage when they grow up?

I don't know how to put this, but I have a friend who is getting married, and he has a horrible past -- drugs, arrests, bankruptcy, STD. I realize he is trying to turn over a new leaf, and he doesn't do these things anymore, but he is getting married again, but I worry that his fiancé doesn't realize what she is getting into.

I am sure that she could find most of this out by searching on the internet (bankruptcy & arrests). And if these things are common knowledge, I am sure he told her about them. You could gently mention to her that is turning over a new leaf, then give him the benefit of the doubt, and keep your mouth shut.